感情是双向的

昨天早上醒在室友的呼叫声。那参杂着慌张的声音，从楼下传到楼上来。什么事啊。牙齿都还没刷就这样跑了出去，因为她说，我们帮人看管的狗狗不见了。什么跟什么。
是的，到目前为止，我们还没找着那只狗。抱歉，很残忍，可是经过我认真的判断和思考后，我真的觉得，有人把狗狗抱走了。也对，我想大部分的人都会喜欢那只总是可怜兮兮的看着你然后把脚放到你的腿上的狗吧。虽然我还是比较喜欢Man一点的狗。
结论是，原本平凡的一天，莫名就被颠覆。奇怪的倒是，我竟然没有特别觉得有责任还是什么，只是还是花了三个小时绕着附近走了一下。然后在冷风中把告示贴了一下。真的无法想象我竟然在街上贴寻狗告示，而且还要不是我的狗才神奇。

【寻狗启示】

心里想着：这世界什么乱七八糟的事情都会往你身上扔，可是我们却都有比我们想象更多的能耐去面对。我想，我的室友应该很内疚，因为没有人怪她，大家都很谅解。只是有时候，谅解反而让人更费解。就这样，虽然觉得不太可能，还是希望那只笨狗会回来。


续昨天突然发奋图强四点才睡的后果，就是今天很懒惰。刚刚看了韩国综艺节目，2天1夜。其中一名成员终结合约，要离开了。离开的又不是我，我却跟着流眼泪。神经病。看着他们从陌生的六人一起经历很多，然后变熟悉，然后要面对离别。是的，我们认识更多人的同时，也意味着有更多的离别。是不是因为这样，有时很怕和别人走得太靠近，因为离别的时候会很不舍得。哈哈。还是这只是我慢热的借口。

感情是双向的，友情也好、亲情也好、爱情也好。只有双方都打开心房，才能真正的认识彼此。

想起离开加拿大的那天，那不舍，证明了我那四年没有白过。

=]

现在有一只臭狗躺在我的腿上，有点肮胀，可是很温暖。难怪人家都喜欢这种小小只一脚踢就会飞掉的狗，因为有人依偎在你怀里的感觉很舒服。

遗失了妹妹的臭狗-Dexter. 不要用这种可怜的眼神看着我！

恨不得立刻洗床单的

欣

又是时候了

又到了“做什么都好，就是不想读书”的季节。哈哈。

搬进11 McCabe刚好一个月，踏入DVM second year四个星期，只能说课室弥漫着大家的怨叫声。哈哈哈。你说我夸张吗？我也觉得。其实只是每天看到很多揪起的眉头、熊猫的眼袋和钓鱼的人们罢了。室友和我说，如果她能顺利毕业的话，她想世界上没有什么是她办不到的了。我觉得她有点夸张，不过心里有一角默默地点了一下头。哈哈。

四个星期，发生的改变说多不说，可是却也做了好一些事情。搬了新家、买了家具、装了桌子椅子、买了辆二手脚踏车、啃了很多知识... 一直忙着，所以没有时间去想某些事、某些人... =]

其实我不复杂啊。只要某些人一句话，我就可以爽一整天。神经病。

然后我想给我亲爱的May Tze同学一个拥抱，“你真的很勇敢了。” 原来心痛一个人的感觉是这样。不一定只是发生在自己身上的事，发生在你身上的事也一样，会很痛。

最近的杰作。

冬天要来了，可能都活不久，但是还是想试一下。
左一：Intensive Care Unit-装的是断手断脚的家伙。
左二：Venus Fly Trap-听说冬天会凋谢然后在春天重生。
中间：Mini tiger palm-朋友不知道如何处置的后代。
右二：Progeny A and Friend A-变态弟弟说它们会有Claustrophobia。=="
右一：Carrot们-期待他们开出白色花朵的那一天。


午餐时间到。

欣

再一次，新年快乐

农历新年就这样在嘻嘻哈哈中度过，真的很快。仿佛才去年，你到我的家来拜年，留下一个问号。今年你又出现，问号依然没有得到解答，反而变更大了。不过还是很开心。=D

家里的成员越来越多，结婚的结婚，长大的长大，生小孩的生小孩。热热闹闹的很不错。有一只小狗，新年期间和我们一起，我好喜欢他啊。当他朝我跑来时，耳朵蹦蹦动弹时，会莫名的开心。只是，说好的要给人就要给人。

再见，邻家的Toffee。

然后再见到很久没有见的朋友，那群一起在加拿大留学过的朋友，感觉还是那么熟悉。大家好像都没变，却又好像变了。工作的工作，结伴的结伴，我们都不再是那个每天只需要到U of T上课的学生了。总觉得我再怎么写也不如这一张张快乐的脸和那欢乐的气氛所能传达的喜悦。

video taken by May Tze. 

有个疼我的人，在情人节那天叫我去开车尾箱，然后里面放着一小束花。有点可爱的用心。Cingu ya, kumawo... 而我，却打破了你家的花瓶。哈哈哈... Aunty，对不起。

You said it's a blessing for me to meet someone who sees me as who I am.
I think I'm blessed to have a friend like you. =) 

Same old me,

Ka Yan

生存和死亡

当我不再害怕死亡，当我抱着没有气息的身体也不会觉得恐怖时，我就知道，我不再是那个逃避面对死亡的我。曾经，我会连死掉的小乌龟也觉得恐怖；甚至碰到软绵绵的Money时也很害怕，只是现在很后悔那时候没有抱着他。

在Healing Rooms呆了将近三个星期，看了不少过三次的Euthanasia，也就是安乐死的意思。每一次，都有不一样的想法，而且每个主人的反应也不一样。一直到今天，有个主人抱着即将要被安乐死的狗，哭的死去活来。站在consultation room里面的我，帮忙抓着狗的同时，差一点就要跟着流眼泪了。心寒的是，我不是为即将离世的狗感到伤心，而是感染了主人的心情，那种舍不得加自责加无能为力加我也不知道还有什么的心情。其实，对于安乐死这个课题，我还没有找到一个简单直接的原则--几时应该这样做，几时不应该这样做。

在痛苦和死亡之间的平衡点，到底该怎么选择。而什么又是痛苦，什么又是死亡。而我们又站在什么立场去影响这个抉择。我，还在学习。学习接受我们有限的能力，学习接受死亡有时候可能是更好的选择（吗？），学习接受可能被指责“残忍”的言语...

我并不反对安乐死，如果......
如果？
这就是我想知道的答案。如果怎样才能合理化安乐死。

当我可以眼睛也不眨一下的看着剖开的尸体时，我想，我已经接受了死亡是生活的一部分。只是，还是会害怕自己变得冷血。

...

另一方面，看见送进来的流浪狗，尤其小狗，就会有股冲动想把他们统统都收养。哈哈哈哈哈哈。好吧，我还没有太冷血。
只是矛盾的是，世界上有很多很多人/动物需要帮忙，可是我们能做的却很有限。
只能这样说服自己，you might not be able to make a difference in the big picture but for the one concerned, it means a big difference.

Stars in the dark

Maybe things are never as bad or as scary as imagined.

Going into the 2nd week of placement at Taiping Zoo. Even though it's not a bed of roses, it's not as intimidated as I thought, even if alone. Guess I am kind of lucky because it so happened that there are two other local students doing their internship at the zoo too. Hence, I have two unexpected companies. Better yet, they are two nice and friendly youngsters. Plus the veterinary officer, Dr. R who is funny and sneaky at times.

Yes, getting used to working in a government workplace is not easy. As Dr R said, working with the government will make a lazy person lazier and a hardworking person lazy. Sad truth. I wouldn't say I am a diligent person but when it comes to work, I rather have loads of work to do and complain about being tired than having nothing to do and feel so bored I can go nuts. The first few days during the long "nothing-to-do" hours, it felt like a waste of time. But now, with a slight change of perspective, the do-nothing time is spent reading reference books, touring around the zoo, or just take a break and have a chat. Although I'd still rather have something to do most of the time, coming to accept the way just how things work there makes me feel less imbalanced. Well, if anything, at least I know that this is not the kind of life I'm looking for in the future.

Learning what not to do is also a way of learning.

Initially, when bombarded with the many sarcastic criticisms about the director and his zero zoo management strategy, it didn't feel all that good. First, I haven't really got to know the director in person and it's all words from only one person. Second, I dislike people talking behind the back, more so when it's about somebody's wrongdoings. However, there are solid proofs that I can see with my own eyes, how some enclosures are built, how non-sensible some designs are, and how some animals are treated poorly when it could have been better. I guess it's frustration that Dr. R is trying to express, the frustration of not having the ability to do the right things even if he actually knows exactly what to do. The frustration of having a superior whose ego is so strong he refuses to take advice or admits faults. There are moments when two extreme opposing ideas have crossed my mind, (1) Just give up on the zoo it's hopeless (2) Restructure and get the most out of what the zoo has to offer, albeit with a lot of time and effort. I am thinking, maybe, this is what Dr. R has been going through for the past few years and that explains all the non-satisfaction he has with the zoo. Well, if anything, at least I know what not to do if I ever runs a zoo.

Everything is an experience.

Good or bad, everything in life is an experience and with every exposure to something new, we equip ourselves with a new reference for the future. Well, hopefully.
Good or bad, hang in there and find the tiniest joy in the things that you are stuck doing with at the moment for it will still be a part of your experience, like it or not.

It's a process.

We might not know yet where we will be in the future but the things that we see and experience now will guide us to where we want to be in due time. That's what I believe. I might not have a step-by-step plan laid out ahead of me, but I shall find out soon. Or maybe a plan is just too constricting for a nomad like me.

Little surprises along the way.

The unexpected Christmas break and the unexpected meeting with John reminds me that good things happen when we least expect it to.

You don't mess with me, life.

  Life keeps on unfolding.

Getting better,

Yan

Merry Christmas

有时不是睡不着，而是不想睡。

今晚和May Tze和John Ong意外的聊了很多比表面更深一点的话题。那些关于未来的，关于想法的，关于内心的…原来要认识一个人真的不只是表面上而已。因为事实是，表面上大家看起来都很好，但也许我们内心深处都有一些疑惑和探索。对自己的疑惑…对自己的探索。

我在想，如何和自己生活一辈子也是一门学问。

今年的圣诞，有白痴的回忆，有没脸见人的回忆，也有难忘的回忆。

谢谢你，May tze。
也谢谢你，John Ong。

Merry Christmas.



Ka Yan

My Days at Winjallok Farm [T&G Simpson]

Date: 23 Nov 2015 - 4 Dec 2015

Venue: Winjallok Farm/ T&G Simpson -- the place where you have to hunt for phone signal out in the mountain.

The blue sky and wide open space... and the awesome sheep formation.

It all started with me feeling a bit intimidated for having to be in a new place with people I have never met before for two weeks due to our placement. The only comfort I could find was that I had a friend with me. Never could I have imagined that I would feel sad when it was time to leave on that sunny hot Friday afternoon.

Jesslyn, the friend that can never be waken by her alarm
and who complains but put up with me keeping the lights on at night. =P 

You gave us both a big hug in Scotdales because you said you will be too shy to hug us back in your house. I pretended like I was busy carrying our luggage and started asking silly questions to Jesslyn like "where is our bus ticket", just to distract myself from tearing up. Hello, of course I know where's our ticket, Jesslyn. hahahaha... =''''/ I am so thankful for meeting you, Greg. To me, you are more like a father and a friend than just a farmer of a sheep farm. You taught me about the farm and a lot about the enterprise even though I was fairly quiet and didn't often question. As days went by, we teased each other and joked with each other. You called me the cheeky Malaysian girl and showed me your amazing stone skipping technique. I showed you that broccoli can be boiled and that my "vertically challenged" height was capable of shutting that garage door. I liked it when we had to muster sheep on your motorbike and went up and down the hilly country. I liked it when you steered the UTE left and right when I decided to sit at the back of the UTE. I liked it when you said "well done" every time I counted 40 sheep accurately into the pen. And I liked it when you said I have a nice smile. =D And for a long time, I'll probably still be able to remember how you curse "bloody" this and "bloody" that while fixing whatever is "bloody". X)

Scotdales, the gate where we first met and Greg greeted us with a deep low voice and big eyes.

Over the 2 weeks, I've opened my eyes to many things I never imagined myself doing. When I pulled that grain trailer handle and sheep started chasing after us and lined up in a beautiful formation to eat, that moment was for whatever reason, stunningly beautiful. Despite some really bad weather and a lot of sand and dust, I would still go back there if given a choice again. When Terry looked into my eyes and said, "promise me that you'll come back and visit." I couldn't say I will because I am afraid to make an empty promise. The best that I could say was, "you'll see."

Now that I think about it, the reason for me feeling sad to leave was probably because I know that there's probably not too much of a possibility for me to go back. If you ask me if I want to, YES. If you ask me if I would, MAYBE. I NEED a reason to go back.

Smoko room, the place where we have tea and snacks during smoko time. "If there's one thing that you should remember, it's the smoko room." -- Terry Simpson '15.

那种想给承诺却害怕永远无法兑现承诺的感觉，然后想起那双真诚的眼神时，莫名纠结。

离开那个平静的地方，离开那个彩色小鸟成群飞过的天空，离开那个晚上布满闪烁星星的夜空，离开那个挂着上百张鸟照片的Scotdale，回到城市，过我的生活。
虽然说我不见得以后会当large animal vet,也不见得我以后会开个sheep farm，可是我总觉得人多懂一点，多见识一点没有损失。

如果说真的有上辈子的话，那我上辈子大概人很好，这辈子才会遇见这样的好人。

=)

The friendly and accepting family. From left to right, Fiona > Greg > Ben. Thank you so much for everything!

Next time when it rains in Kuala Lumpur, I'll remember to send some to Winjallok. =)

Regards,

Ka Yan